The inspirational Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest plunges new heights with a superb opening line from Dave Zobel:
She resolved to end the love affair with Ramon tonight . . . summarily, like Martha Stewart ripping the sand vein out of a shrimp’s tail . . . though the term “love affair” now struck her as a ridiculous euphemism . . . not unlike “sand vein,” which is after all an intestine, not a vein . . . and that tarry substance inside certainly isn’t sand . . . and that brought her back to Ramon.
The winner of the Detective category, Joe Polvino, also came up with a beauty:
Detective Micky Blarke arrived on the scene at 2:14 am, and gave his cigarette such a severe pull that rookie Paul Simmons swore the insides of the detective’s cheeks touched, but the judge indicated that that amount of detail was not necessary in his testimony, and instructed the jury to disregard that statement.
Ahhh … Such unadulterated talent makes one’s heart consume itself in sclerotic envy, like when Ginny Armstrong was the first in our class to have a Katie KopyKat doll. And she got the first breasts too! Life’s so unfair … she sniffled elliptically.