The mug shots of the hopeful candidates at the regional elections stare out from every wall. You can imagine how often they must have practised the look in front of the bathroom mirror or with their Image Mentor: the look that shows compassionate strength, humble success and honest cunning. A man for all seasons, never mind the oxymorons and newspeak.
Looking at these heads, I was reminded by Cesare Lombroso’s work on associating appearance and immoral or criminal behaviour (see two excellent articles here and here). It may be pseudoscience … but look at this creepy guy!
Wasn’t that once Michael Jackson’s nose? And what about the lip gloss and glow-in-the-dark teeth? In later posters and on his website, his Image Mentor has clearly photoshopped his skin tones to try and make the living dead pallor less obvious.
Also on his website is a handy animation on how to vote.
An even more hilarious candidate website is here. What the hell does she think she’s doing? Modelling for an 80s retro show? What does that oh-so-casual hand to her face signify? “Gosh, Mr Deputy Regional Oversights Auditor, have you been working out?” Maybe she’s hiding a growth.
Her mission statement reads like a speech by a beauty queen … I want to take part in the prevention of the AIDS, the fight against hunger and the diseases that decimate thousands of children and improve the lives of the old, disabled, poor and sick. (“Shouldn’t we mention the puppies?”)
In the selfless spirit of improving the quality of our representatives, I include the following checklist from Lombroso … to help you eliminate the degenerates and feeble-minded from the list of candidates.
- Unusually short or tall height
- Small head, but large face
- Small and sloping forehead
- Receding hairline
- Wrinkles on forehead and face
- Large sinus cavities or bumpy face
- Large, protruding ears
- Bumps on head, particularly the Destructiveness Centre above left ear
- Protuberances (bumps) on head, in back of head and around ear
- High cheek bones
- Bushy eyebrows, tending to meet across nose
- Large eyesockets, but deepset eyes
- Beaked nose (up or down) or flat nose
- Strong jawline
- Fleshy lips, but thin upper lip
- Mighty incisors, abnormal teeth
- Small or weak chin
- Thin neck
- Sloping shoulders, but large chest
- Long arms
- Pointy or snubbed fingers or toes
- Tattoos on body
Put the two leading candidates to the test. It’s a little tricky because you can’t feel the bumps or see the tattoos of a naked woman mudwrestling a dragon, but give it a go. Based on the image they choose to present, who would you vote for?
Previous posts on election posters:
I’m a patriot, you’re a nationalist, he’s a terrorist …
Tits ‘n’ bums, kids ‘n’ mums